Parents young, old share kids' upbringing

By MICHELE MILLER

© St. Petersburg Times, published December 24, 2000

The catalog that came with a friendly reminder of last year's Christmas gift recipients struck a sad note. That one name, that of my grandmother, had to be crossed off the list had me counting my losses and reminiscing about the impact this woman had made on my life.

Odds are, my grandmother, who passed on early in the year, was like a lot of people's grandmothers. It's tough to sum up in so short a space, but to me she was the Queen of Christmas fudge, the knitter of the best baby blankets, baptism dresses and mittens that kept your hands warmer than the store-bought kind.

My grandmother also was a stoic woman whose long, harsh life had earned her the right to stand tall. She raised and provided for her children during the Depression, over the years enduring a marriage to a man with a habit of drinking his weekly paycheck even though there were young mouths to feed.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Still, though she never said it outright, she had a way of counting her blessings. From that I draw strength. There were always others who were worse off, my grandmother would remind me -- "We were the lucky ones . . . we always had family around us . . . we always got by."

Then she would often say something that never ceased to amaze me: "I don't know how you young people do it these days."

We're not living in the Great Depression, but more and more it seems that getting by for today's young families means leaning on people like my grandmother.

I see it both in my work reporting in the schools and in my role as a mom.

Just take a peek in any pediatrician's office during cold and flu season and you'll see that it's not unusual to see grandma or grandpa tending the sick while mom and dad are at work.

In growing numbers, grandparents are the ones providing day care and after-school care for their children's children at a time in their lives when they perhaps thought they'd be traveling or relaxing out on the golf course.

Grandparents volunteer in the school, chaperone field trips and cart the kids to dance classes and soccer practice.

When marriages fall apart, it's often to "grandmother's house we go." And sometimes, whether it's because of their child's illness, death, incarceration or substance abuse, grandparents find themselves once again becoming parents.

That can be stressful for people like Fred Cherry, who at 61 years of age is dad to his 6-year-old grandson Zachery. Cherry adopted his grandson five years ago because, he says, "His mother had a bad problem."

While Cherry says, "I wouldn't trade this for nothin'," he realizes how much the times have changed since he raised his own six kids. "My youngest daughter is 30," he says, "so you can imagine it's been awhile."

This time around Cherry is alone. His marriage fell apart, he says, when he started adoption proceedings.

And like any parent, he has his share of regrets.

"I was pretty strict with my own kids," he said. "The mistakes you made with your own children you don't want to make with your grandchildren. I think God gives you second chances sometimes. I know he did with me."

This time, said Cherry, he's determined to do things right. "Anything I can do to better his (Zachery's) life, I'll do," Cherry said.

Enter Becky Bishop, the Parent Involvement Coordinator at West Zephyrhills Elementary, where Cherry's grandson attends school.

Bishop recently hosted her first grandparent workshop, along with members of the school guidance department.

After 18 years working in the schools Bishop says she is well aware of the role today's grandparents are taking on. "I see a lot of children living with their grandparents," she says.

But many of those grandparents aren't aware that there is help out there, Bishop said. That's why her workshop focused on making elders aware of a variety of services available -- from how to obtain Medicaid for their grandchildren, to free counseling sessions, to the various Web sites offering freebies or advice on parenting skills in today's times.

Those attending the workshop also were reminded to check out the school's parent/grandparenting resource center and had a chance to sign up for a newly forming grandparent support group.

Fred Cherry was one of 30 grandparents to attend the workshop, and he signed up for the support group right away.

"I do what I can," Cherry said. But Zachery has a lot of questions, particularly about his mother, that his grandfather has a hard time answering. Cherry hopes that perhaps through the support group others like him will be able to offer some insight and advice.

"You don't realize how many grandparents are doing this until you come to something like this," he said. "At least you know you're not alone."

- Various services and opportunities are available through schools. For more information, call the school guidance office.

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